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Your Office Is A Sandbox
Have you ever tried to get a three year old to change his shirt when he does not want to cooperate? It is impossible. In fact I would rather try to change a tire without a jack. Getting an irrational (to us) child to understand the importance of removing the spinach covered cotton pullover is like... hammering a nail with words. It is a wasted effort of logical reasoning, loud ultimatums, and impassioned pleading. Eventually, we end up walking down two discipline paths. #1 - We start counting “one, TWO...” all the while pleading internally we do not get to the number three. For once we get to “THREE!!!” we end up going to our punishment library of “things that worked last time” which usually don’t match the crime (every try to cancel Christmas?). #2 – We pull the shirt off the screaming child and with brute force, because we are stronger and bigger, put a clean shirt on our stubborn child. We will eventually walk down both of these discipline paths with our child. Let’s face it, we should have known when we placed the plate of spinach in front of the child the end result was going to be his being covered in green goo.
There is very little difference between this example and coaching a bad manager, correcting an employee’s behavior, or getting a CEO to do anything they don’t want to do. We all revert to the kinds of sandbox behaviors of our pre-school age as though the word maturity was created by J. R. R. Tolkien. We will be a child all our life. Sometimes we are called upon to be the “adult in the room” and asked to deal with difficult corporate children. It is important to expect that dealing with a corporate executive with all of the maturity of Lindsey Lohan at an open bar is never fun. Think to your days in the sand box then look around the office. You will see the bullies, the criers, the “my toy” screamers, and the quiet in the corner builder of the Taj Mahal using blocks, sand and water. (Of course, there is also the employee who wants to destroy every sand castle within 40 cubes.) With this simple realization will lie your survival strategy for the office. These people are and will be the same child they have always been.
We try all the usual scenarios. Our “progressive discipline” process, verbal warning, to written warning, to final warning, to second final warning, to super-secret final warning….etc. It’s just like mom counting to three. We have all seen it. “One, two, TWO AND A HALF….” And if the child knows we will never get to THREE, the threat of punishment becomes hollow and laughable.
Of course, we do have punishments tracing back to our youth. Time-out becomes suspension. A slap on the hand becomes a slap on the wrist. “Go to your room!” becomes “You’re transferred to New Jersey!” There is always the childlike promise of good behavior and understanding. There are tears and hugs and forgiveness, but inevitably a child will be a child and all adults are children.
I recently had an opportunity to hear Marshall Goldsmith speak at the HR Forum in Atlanta. He is one of the best executive coaches on the planet and he revealed that the executives he spent the most time with were the ones he was least successful in helping. Why? Because the ones that did not want to change, would not. Like changing the shirt of a three year old, they would kick and scream all the while hearing pleading, rationalizing, and threats. Back in the sand box.
I mention the above scenario because in life’s simple miseries of dealing with irrational children, so too are the lessons that explain many corporate miseries. I cannot tell you how many times grown adults have complained to me about another person’s toys, why rules don’t apply to them, and how “Bob” looked at them funny. I have learned to accept these things:
That children who don’t want to do something, will either not do it or do a crappy job.
That toothless consequences create bully’s and the knowledge that resistance has its rewards.
That being the biggest and strongest in the room solves the immediate problem but does not correct the long term issue.
That all of us are influenced by the things that guided us as a child.
That all of us are influenced by the things that guided us as a child.
That this is why Human Resource Professionals all sound like our mother.
So if you are a manager trying to get an employee to behave, if you are a coach trying to get an executive to embrace change, if you are an employee wondering why your boss does not see the logic behind your ideas, the problem may be that they just don’t want to and when someone just does not want to, your chances of success are near zero.
Take the time to look at adult childish behavior and recognize it for what it is. Change your strategy as you would with a three year old temper tantrum. Whether it is a defined cause and effect discipline strategy, an effort to influence and establish buy-in, an insertion of authority (“because I said so!”), or an outright bribe (it’s amazing what a Reese’s Peanut butter Cup can do to leverage a three year olds cooperation), you can get to your desired results. The questions I would want you to ask before you jump into this is “Is it worth it?” and “Am I the one acting like a three year old?” Because all children like to WIN and if the problem you face is all about WHO WINS…you will all lose. If I told you the people you are working with will not change (and they won’t because they don’t want to), is it really worth the fight? Or, should you just wipe the spinach off the shirt and go outside to play?
Copyright © 2010 Mike Baumgartner | HR | Consulting | Coach | Human Resources | Search - CEO, Worklife Survival Center LLC
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